Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it wasn't lemon gatorade
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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