We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
