Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
