At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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