I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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