he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize