is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
