True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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