Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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