Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
