oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
