all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
