Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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