I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
