Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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