why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
