i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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