Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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