Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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