gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
