Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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