Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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