Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
