And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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