nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
