dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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