Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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