My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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