this just has baby written all over it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize