God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
