I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
