I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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