I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
