Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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