I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I am naked and annoyed.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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