i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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