You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
