I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
