Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
