I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize