i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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