Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
