you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
