She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize