its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
