so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
