I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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