I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
