i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
