...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
