i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
