So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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