Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
