life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
