So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
