the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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