Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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