I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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