And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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